We often value consent to the poly dynamic way more than consent to the monogamy dynamic, when really that doesn’t make much sense. Using the word consent about the behavior of people outside of you doesn’t feel right to me, personally. It’s more “comfort” and “this was the agreement”.
I don’t think the word consent really applies here. It feels wrong to consider someone else having the right to consent over what happens with my body as just as important or MORE important than what I consent to with my body involving people outside of them.
It feels like monogamy is then a default state of relationship and ownership and that that ownership is rightful–which is why compulsory monogamy is a function of misogyny. It used to be about men owning women’s autonomy. Now we romanticize it as owning each other’s autonomy.
And we demonize people who revoke their consent to having their autonomy controlled. This brings me to my analogy to the full time D/s dynamic and how monogamy is similar (though without one person being dominant, in theory).
If someone said “I am not comfortable being a full time sub anymore, and I am now going to act against my Dom’s wishes about my own body” would we really tell them no, you made an agreement, so before doing anything with your own body, you *have* to clear it with your dominant that your body is now under your own control again? And if you don’t, you’re a terrible person who doesn’t deserve love?
Wow, no. And that’s how I feel about monogamy. That you have a right to revoke your consent at any point, and your partner can decide that they need that mutual control and leave, but you’re not a bad person for dropping that consent at any time, because *it is your body*.