It sounds like liberating advice, but, it’s often not.

I almost always feel unimpressed with the advice “don’t make sex about orgasms!” as some kind of solution to “I am not having them at all”.

As an answer, it feels unsatisfying and unfinished, much like sex where only one person never gets off.

The base advice, telling people to take the pressure off themselves and be in the moment, sure. Great advice. But, I’d rather people actually say that specifically. Or if they said things like,”Don’t make your orgasms about your partner and pleasing them” or “It’s okay if you don’t particularly want one right now, sex is still valid” or “You don’t have to rush and perform, it’s okay to take time and work on being less anxious”

Because simple “sex doesn’t have to be about orgasms!” basically usually translates to “go ahead and make sex about your cis dude partner having orgasms”

A lot of times the problem is making orgasms about said dude partner, (or sometimes a partner of another gender, but let’s be real) or people being rushed or ignored. I have literally met guys who thought “women don’t need orgasms, they don’t get sexually frustrated”. Seriously. Men who currently have sex with women. Yikes.

Sex shouldn’t be, and isn’t, only valid if there are orgasms, but if someone says “my partners orgasm easily and I never can with them and I am frustrated” and your advice is “oh just accept not having them” that’s honestly really shitty advice.


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